My room smells like vodka and shame
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
