Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
