I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Randomize
