Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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