he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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