Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
