there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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