My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
