Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
