I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
