do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
This gyro tastes like lonliness
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toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
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Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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