plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sorry about my life...
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