sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We need to rekindle our bromance
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
