Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
