we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
