I can text with my tongue
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
