I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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