We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
