Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
