you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
