My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
