dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
