if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
