Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
