Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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