Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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