My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
