i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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