you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
