So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
