call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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