I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
this just has baby written all over it
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
