i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
