Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
