i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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