so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
