Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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