no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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