I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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