uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.