I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize