I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
