There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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