remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
40s are totally the cure
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
