I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
