Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
