Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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