it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
