I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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