Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
