I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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