i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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