i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
