It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
