some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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