know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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