He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
