I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
